Has anyone besides me had difficulty since the fast in January? We went through three intense weeks of fasting, and at first, it was difficult but by the third week I was feeling a closeness that I wanted to last. Since then my work has really picked up, and my ministry time has been cut drastically. For so many years, I have excelled in my career because of the gifts and talents He has given me, and I'm fortunate because I have really enjoyed my career investigating insurance fraud. But my heart's desire is women's ministry. It is where I find the greatest satisfaction, the greatest reward, and the greatest joy. Being able to listen to women, minister to women, and fellowship with women is a blessing to me. (There is great irony in that by the way.)
Pastor Rick spoke this morning on how to change the atmosphere of the body of Christ, and he said that one way to know we need a change is there is a lack of revelation, a lack of God revealing Himself to us. That's where I feel like I am. I feel like I've hit a wall, and I don't know if He is going to reveal Himself to me directly or if He will use someone else, but I'm ready. I'm waiting. I'm ready to receive. This is a whole new level for me. How can I lead a ministry when He isn't giving me what He wants me to do? How can I minister to hurting ladies if I can't be available? How can I be effective for Him in this condition? I don't want my ministry, my calling in life to be about the job. Does that make sense? I want to feel His presence, feel Him leading, and see what His desire is for this ministry. Without Him in the middle, in the front or in the rear there is no ministry.
It can, if allowed, cause great panic to a Christian who is used to trying to please God, who is wanting to be in His will. When we realize it's been a day or two or even weeks since He last stirred their hearts, it is saddening. This is kind of where I've been for a couple of days. Then in the quiet of the moment, there is a verse I remember parts of, words or phrases, but I can't remember it all. I go to www.Biblegateway.com, and I choose The Message version, and I input the words I recall. Then the results:
Psalms 139: 1-6
God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand.
I'm an open book to you;
even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I'm never out of your sight.
You know everything I'm going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you're there,
then up ahead and you're there, too—
your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful—
I can't take it all in!
This is why it is so important to memorize scripture. He communicates to us through His word to us when we need it the most. In these verses I realize that even though He may be silent He is behind me and up ahead. Another wonderful verse to complement this is, "We are assured and know that all things work together and are for good to and for those who love God and are called according to His design and purpose." Romans 8:28
I have to remind myself that sometimes His silence isn't about me. Remembering, He's working on others and through others to make it a benefit to all those who love Him.
So, I will wait for His guidance. In a Beth Moore study I did there was a quote, "God is never late but He misses a few good opportunities to be early." ;> He is an on-time God, and I trust that. I trust Him.
Some may see this blog is a bit self-indulgent, but I want to be real. Should a lady in my church decide to read my personal blog, I don't want her to see a pious liturgy. I want her to see a real woman facing the same struggles she does, and I want her to receive encouragement knowing she's not alone.