In Her Sandals -- Rahab

I told the men I knew that their Lord, their Yahweh had given them this land. Otherwise, people in the city would not be in such a panic. People running around like a chicken with their head cut off. I really had never seen it at this level before, almost frenzied. I had heard the stories about these Israelite people walking on dry land through the Red Sea and about how they destroyed other kings. I knew these things by listening to the men who came into my home and from people in the market place. Some people were skeptical about the walking through the Red Sea on dry land, but I wasn’t. How amazing would that have been! I wonder if that’s how God is going to get this group of people across the Jordan. I mean if He did it once, He can do it again, right?

I wanted to make sure that my family would be preserved and safe when the time came for them to conquer my city. So I asked them to swear to me by their God that they would spare our lives. “A life for a life.” I promised to keep their secret, their mission under wraps and to preserve their lives, and they would save my family’s lives. I couldn’t ask for more.

It is so scary but also so exciting. I lower the spies outside my window outside the city wall. It’s the same crimson cord I’m to hang in my window to signal the attacking army that my family is to remain unharmed. I told them to head to the hills for three days until the searchers returned to the city, and the spies headed in that direction. I knew I had at least three days before anything would happen. What would I do in those three days that I’m waiting for the inevitable to happen?

None of us wander far from home. We secure what we can to get us through the battle. We draw extra water and store inside the house. We keep the animals close by because at the first sign of attack we are bringing them in the house. I have boards to cover the windows. Grain that has been milled and some that needs to be milled. There were times that my family just sat in the quiet and the dark. I did not entertain any guest or have any company. The door was bolted anytime someone left or re-entered. I can’t help myself. I have to do something. I start sweeping and cleaning. All of my family is with me just waiting. Tick tock. Tick tock. The hours just slowly go by. One of my family members has chewed her fingernails down to the quick. We’re all just waiting. I AM NOT GOOD AT WAITING, and then word comes that the Israelites are on the move. I run to the window to make sure the crimson cord is still prominently displayed. I see them! I see them! They’re coming. Oh my goodness, they’re coming! Bring in the animals. Bolt the doors. Get in your spot by the wall and under the tables.

I see a lot of warriors marching. I’m a little giddy. I’m so excited – a nervous type of excitement. Then what appears to be priests blowing trumpets. Then I see what must be what is called the Ark of the Covenant. Some things you hear about. You never dream that one day you’ll actually see it. How beautiful! And then there’s the rear guard. Well, that was kind of a letdown. They marched around the city once. We waited for them to storm the city walls, but nothing happened. What in the world are they doing? We keep the animals in, and the door bolted just in case, but we can hear people panicking and yelling outside.

Day two and once again in the early morning hours, they are marching and blowing trumpets. For those who are not early morning people, these trumpets fray the nerves. This time while I watch I wonder about Yahweh. I know that He is able to do anything. I’ve heard the stories, but I wonder what it would be like to hear from Him or worship Him with the others. What is He trying to prove with all of this marching?

Day three. I have to tell you things are starting to get ripe up in here. We clean up every day getting rid of waste and all, but there’s no air circulating, and people are starting to smell fragrant much less the animals.

Day four. Is this the day they will do something more than just march? People inside the walls are going mad, crazy. We are sleeping in shifts, sharing beds and taking turns with watches at the window and on the roof. Every time they march by, I’m swinging my crimson cord. I think to myself, “Please see this cord. Please see this cord.”

Day five and day six. I’ve lost any sense of what is going on outside my home. Sometimes it’s loud. Sometimes it’s eerily quiet. And the warriors of Yahweh march. Someone once told me Jericho is only about seven acres with a circumference of 650 yards (1). I wonder if that Ark gets heavy. I wonder how much the Ark of the Covenant weigh. Their march is so precise and exact. It really is very impressive.

Day seven. Up again early and they are marching. Wait. I start to walk away from the window, but I see that they’re marching again! At the third time the noise outside my home has reached a fevered pitch. It’s about to get all sort of real in here. The fourth and fifth times. We all get into our secure places. No one is sleeping. No one is cleaning. I make sure the crimson cord is in place. The sixth time around. Then the seventh is a cacophony of sounds. Trumpets are blowing. People are yelling from outside the walls, from inside the walls, and I think I may have yelled too. A wall to the city collapsed, and the fighting had begun.

When it was over, someone came and pounded on our door. I have to admit I was fearful. Before I opened the door, my stomach was in knots, the men identified themselves as the spies. I was immediately washed in relief and cried tears of joy. My family had been spared.  My joy was short-lived as we carried our things outside the city walls stepping over the corpses of acquaintances and friends, animals and babies. Then we watched the city burn.

In Her Sandals

Let’s just get this out of the way. I know you stand there judging me for what I do, for what I am, but you know what? It pays the bills, and I didn’t have a lot of other opportunities here. Yes, I am a prostitute, a hooker, a whore. Of course, when you say those labels it’s in hushed tones, and you do that goofy thing with your eyes. You think you are whispering it to your friend, but I can hear you. I can feel your eyes glaring a hole into me except when I turn to look at you, you won’t look me in the face. You think you know so much about me, but you don’t know me at all. And truth be known, I probably know more about you, your home life and your man than you do.  I’m sorry for being so frank and brash, but without even knowing me or my story, people judge.

What you may not know is I have my own home. Some may even call it an inn. And part of my house is actually built inside the city wall fairly close to the city gate. If I see someone in need, if I think they’ll accept my help, I extent my hand to help. I am a problem solver and a quick thinker, and I’m wiser than you give me credit for. Never underestimate me. I take care of my own. Not every person who enters my home is entertained as a paying guest. Not every paying guest gives gifts. There are some who are not allowed in my home. I have standards. Like I said, I’m a smart business woman.

Right now, people around town are in a panic. Word on the street is that we are going to be attacked in the near future. I’ve been trying to buy up as much dry goods and things I’d need to survive the attack. I hate battles. They’re gruesome and trying to find things to eat during and afterwards is almost impossible. So I stock up on as much as I can. Whatever gold or fine jewelry I have, I hide or sew into the clothes I’ll be wearing. I try to keep my family close. There’s a lot of uncertainty. People are anxious and with good reason.

I listen to the people who enter my home, hear about what they’ve experienced or heard. There is one story though that went down in history. I opened my home to two non-paying customers. Did you catch that? Non-paying. I was glad to. I could see they weren’t from around here. My guess, which proved to be correct, was that these men were spies. Now, I’m used to getting knocks on my door by all manner of people – military, law enforcement, wives, spiritual leaders, and I’ve lied to them all at some point in time to cover the paying client. I sent people on more goose chases than I care to count. People are so gullible.

I was not surprised in the least that people came looking for the two spies. That’s why I hid them as soon as they got there. I took them to the roof where we were drying flax, and there we hid them beneath a pile of flax. I have more than one job. I have to in order to provide for my parents and siblings. I know it couldn’t have been the most comfortable place, but they were not found. And that was the point. I got them situated when the knock on the door came. After telling everyone to act natural, I put on my best face, while I confidently answered the door. My heart was pounding. I knew they could haul me in for treason and for harboring spies. Both of these charges would cost me my life. After I listened to their proclamation from the king, I explained that the men had been there but that I had sent them packing because I didn’t know them. I gave them as innocent of a look as I could give.  I told the soldiers that the men had sneaked out the gate. I was so relieved when they left. I closed the door and bolted it shut for the night.  Once the men seeking the spies had left the city to follow the lead I had provided, I went up to the roof to talk to the spies. I have to tell you, there is something very exciting about spies.

I told the men I knew that their Lord, their Yahweh had given them this land. Otherwise, people in the city would not be in such a panic. I really had never seen it at this level before. I had heard the stories about these people walking on dry land through the Red Sea and about how they destroyed other kings. I knew these things by listening to the men who came into my home and from people in the market place. Some people were skeptical about the walking through the Red Sea on dry land, but I wasn’t. How amazing would that have been! I wonder if that’s how God is going to get this group of people across the Jordan. I mean if He did it once, He can do it again, right?

I wanted to make sure that my family would be preserved and safe when the time came to conquer my city. So I asked them to swear to me by their God that they would spare our lives. “A life for a life.” I promised to keep their secret, their mission under wraps and to preserve their lives, and they would save my family’s lives. I couldn’t ask for more.

 

Lot's Wife -- Lessons Learned in Her Sandals

WOW! Isn’t it so easy to get entrapped with the things of this world? Prada, Gucci, Coach. Harley, Maserati, Corvette. Starbucks, top end restaurants, and fine dining. The latest and greatest electronic gizmo, the most recent iPhone/iPad, travel, concerts and venues. Some strive for it. Some live for it.  Others envy from afar never to achieve buying only knock-offs. Stepped on any toes yet?

Lot and his wife had stuff. They had a lot of stuff. They had so much stuff that they couldn’t keep track of it, and there were arguments with Abraham’s servants as to what was Lot’s and what was Abraham’s. Lot chose the prime real estate. Location. Location. Location. But the down side of the location was the neighbors, neighbors, neighbors. The neighbors liked stuff too. They liked all kinds of stuff. Stuff that Lot and his family had not been exposed to prior to moving to that location. At first, they may have been shocked by what they saw. Their skin may have even crawled at the things that they saw, but the longer they lived around the sinful ways of these men, they began to accept it. I, personally, don’t do it, but who am I to say that they shouldn’t live that way. They aren’t bothering me, but then the tables turn. They come and beat on your door and on your way of life screaming to get at you, your children, your guests, at the holy ones.

Things/stuff and complacency is what tears this woman apart. God spared this family for the sake of Abraham. This family was the only thing that remotely resembled a righteous family, and their vision had been obstructed and skewed by what they had allowed into their lives.

It jumped out to me that the word “guests” was used when Lot brought them home even though he knew they were angels. But the word “angels” isn’t used again until they grab the hands of Lot and his family. I don’t know if Lot’s wife really realized they were angels until then. We can become so blinded or numb to the work of God that we don’t recognize it as such until He has to lay his hands on us. Ever been there? YIKES! What does it take for God to get your attention? Have you become so numb and so blind to His ways that you wouldn’t know them if they were banging on your own door!? Seriously, it’s time for us to wake up. America is not a “BLESSED NATION.” We are NOT God’s chosen. We are His redeemed but NOT His chosen. The gay lifestyle is not okay with God. It isn’t something we should accept as normal and allow into our homes and in the influence of our children. We also shouldn’t accept extramarital affairs either or sex outside of marriage. God has spoken very clearly on these things.

Then there were the men beating on the doors trying to get into the guests. These men were sick, sick, sick. They were dark spiritually doing things that God had commanded them not to do, and when the time came, the guests struck them blind. They were physically in the dark. Blind as a bat. The door into the house could not be found by them. When Satan is banging on your door wanting to come in, wanting to spread his darkness, you better be praying that God hides the door. He doesn’t have to. After all, we put ourselves into these predicaments most of the time, don’t we? Lot CHOSE to move his family there. He knew before putting his family in the center of this degradation that his family would be exposed, and yet, he chose it anyway.

Then there was permanent darkness. Fire and brimstone literally fell from heaven like rain. Then keep in mind that sulfur is found naturally around the Dead Sea near these towns and possibly in the towns as a solid. Fire falling down like rain. Fire igniting up from the ground. In order for sulfur to be a liquid it has to be 245 degrees and becomes acid rain. The gas alone is toxic. The smell of sulfur permeates everything. It’s a smell that lingers in the nose long after the sulfur has dissipated. The ash from all living things being burned reminds me of what I saw on a movie about Auschwitz. Surrounding towns may have thought it was snow there was so much coming down on them, but it wasn’t. It was the remains of humans who died one of the most horrific kinds of death. Everything consumed. Nothing was spared, not even a blade of grass. There was no relief to be found. Ladies and gentlemen, that was hell on earth. The sounds that must have arisen from that town must have been dreadful and deafening.

And here’s another point I want to make. The angel told Lot to go to the mountains to be safe from all that was to come. Lot negotiated what he thought was best, a little town near Sodom called Zoar. Zoar was probably close enough that they could see Sodom from afar. The reason I think that because they were able to walk there from right before dawn till sunrise. The ash that fell probably poured down on Zoar. The smell of burning flesh and hair, that rancid, disgusting smell would easily reach this town. Had Lot been completely obedient to Yahweh, he would have been up in the mountains further away. His exposure to ash and stench would have been considerably less. His wife may not have heard the horrible, indescribable sounds, and maybe, just maybe, she would not have turned around. Lot’s unwillingness to follow God’s instruction to the letter cost him his wife and a closer exposure to the atrocity that happened that day. OH MY WORD! Have you ever done that? Has God ever told you or led you to do a certain thing, but you add your own touch to it? Seriously!? I have, and then I wonder why it didn’t work out. DUH! God knows what He’s doing and what He’s saying. His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts higher than ours (Is 55). He told Lot to go to the mountains for LOT’S OWN GOOD.

And then part of me wonders, was God turning Lot’s wife into a pillar of salt an act of grace? He knew what she would have seen. He knew what she saw would be something she would have to live with all her life. It wouldn’t have been something she could’ve ever forgotten. As men who come back from active combat in war. They never forget.

I apologize this is so long. There was just so much to glean, and there’s really even more that can be learned.

In Her Sandals -- Lot's Wife (2nd blog)

The conversations that ensued that night were some of the strangest by far. Of course, I wasn’t part of them, but I could hear what they were saying – not that I was ease dropping. The guests told my husband that he needed to get his family together and leave because Yahweh had sent them to destroy this place. Why would Yahweh send them to destroy Sodom? Sure, they got a little out of hand tonight, but really? He’s going to destroy the whole city? Then Lot went and spoke to our future sons-in-law and told them the town was about to be destroyed, and they would need to get their things together so we can leave. Those bone-headed men thought Lot was joking! Who jokes about something like that!? I mean it’s still hard for me to believe, but I would never joke about such a thing. Lot and the guys talk most of the night, but he can’t convince them to leave.

It had been a sleepless, fretful, stressful night, and as the sun started peaking over the walls of the city, it became evident that our guests were really angels. Why had I not recognized that before? Lot had brought home guests who are really angels, angels of the Most High God. I’m trying to process everything, but nothing is making sense. I’m so confused. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep, stress, but why didn’t I see it before. They are telling us to go because they have a job to do, and they can’t do it unless we are safely out. Say what!? One of them grabs my hand and grabs one of my daughter’s hand. The other grabs Lot’s hand and our other daughter’s hand, and forcefully leads us out of the city just as the sun rises from the east.

They tell us to run. They tell us to go to the mountains because it just isn’t Sodom they are going to destroy. It’s the whole Jordan plain. Run. I’m supposed to run to the mountains, back to where Lot’s uncle lives. I can’t make it that far. I’ve put on a few pounds since moving to Sodom. Sodom. There was this butcher who kept his prime meat for me to buy on Wednesdays. My house servant made the best bread. Today is Thursday. I’m going to miss my women’s league meeting. I look down and realize I have on the same clothes as I did the day before. My stuff. All my stuff is still in Sodom. The girls’ dowry is there. My heirlooms from my mother and her mother. My silk tapestries. My designer shoes and bags and…It’s all gone. Just like that. Gone. All these things are swirling through my head at the same time.

Lot tells the angels we just can’t make it to the mountains. I didn’t want to go running back to his uncle anyway. Lot asks if we can just stay in Zoar. I don’t know why but that makes me feel a little better. Zoar is a small community outside of Sodom. Since we live on a plain, I will be able to make out Sodom on the horizon. I can go back to Sodom in time. The angels instruct us not to look back – do not turn back to Sodom. We enter Zoar, and the angels disappear.

Morning has come. We are safely in Zoar, this small, no-nothing town when we hear it. I hear cracking and rumbling. Oh my heavens! The stench is rancid and so sudden. When the wind blows, it’s horrible. I cover my mouth and nose with my clothes. We aren’t far enough away. I hear them. It’s faint, but I recognize it immediately, and I know my friends are in excruciating pain. All those people in Sodom and animals screaming out in the most horrific sounds I’ve ever heard. I don’t know that I’ll ever get that sound out of my ears. White stuff starts flying through the sky. It’s ash. All my things, all of my life is going up in smoke!? Really?

Why can’t we turn back? Why can’t we see what’s going on? What’s going to happen if we do take a peak? All these thoughts are bouncing around in my head at once, and I hear a large collapse, and I turn…

In the split second that I saw Sodom, I saw the most horrific, gruesome thing. Fire coming from heaven. Fire coming from the ground. People, babies, animals walking around, dropping in heaps of fire. All the buildings were on fire. The trees were on fire. There wasn’t anything that wasn’t on fire. I was hit by the smell of burning, human flesh and sulfur. It was the quickest of glances, and then nothing.

 

In Her Sandals -- I Have the Top of the Line in Everything

I am used to having things, nice things, designer things, the best of things. My husband has been blessed as well as his uncle. As a matter of fact, we had to split the family business. My husband chose to take our family to the best location. It is gorgeous and lush with waterways. BEAUTIFUL!

The downside, and there’s always a downside, was the neighbors. There’s drama everywhere we turn. Drama with family that caused the business to split. Drama at our new location – For crying out loud, we get captured! We are taken as spoils of war. I’ll become a servant or slave. I was not made for that kind of work. Everything we had was taken, and by everything, I mean down to the last candlestick and ugly rug that went under my husband’s work bench was gone. But good ole uncle to the rescue. While our family had to separate the business, family is still the most important thing in our uncle’s eyes. We were released. Everything was returned to us…EVERYTHING. All my jewelry, servants, designer clothes and specially made sandals, money, animals. ALL MY STUFF was returned…even the ugly rug under my husband’s work bench. The fact that everything was returned was no small miracle at all.

In addition to everything I have, my husband sits at the gate – you know what that means, right? He’s in leadership. He’s in the know. People recognize me when I go to the market. And because he is in leadership, he knows everything that’s going on in town. I love hearing all the gossip. There are some crazy things that go on in this town.

We have guest over all the time and parties. Our neighbors really don’t seem quite so bad after all. They just had to grow on us is all. There ways of doing things is nothing like ours, but we’ve made adjustments and understand their thinking. We respect our differences. Just because they choose to live a certain way doesn’t mean that I have to.

One evening, Lot brought home two male guests. It was not a normal visit, and it was certainly no party. They brought no gifts at all, and of course, Lot didn’t send anyone ahead of time to let me know that we would be having extra at the dinner table. It’s not like it was leftover night, but I would have fixed something a little nicer had I but known we’d be having company.

No sooner had Lot brought the guests into our home than men, young and old, started pounding on the door of our home. What in the world is going on!? They were so loud I could barely hear myself think. I realized the men outside want our guests to come outside, so they could have their way with them. These people have never inflicted their sexual orientation on us before. I mean we’ve made allowances, but now they are beating down our door. I AM MORTIFIED! Our poor guests!

Just as I think that the door is about to give way, it opens! My husband goes out to talk to the men. He has got to have lost his ever lovin’ mind. The crowd is getting louder in their protest. The door opens again, and the guests literally pick my husband up off his feet snatching him back into our home, all in one swooping gesture. As I’m trying to process what I just saw, I hear the chaos outside changing. Instead of voices raised in anger, there’s confusion and disorder. The guests tell us the men outside have been struck blind, and they won’t be able to find the door even if they tried. No one will be entering our home tonight. And then they tell us, we have to leave.

 

 

In Her Sandals -- Job's Wife

I have grieved and grieved heavily for a baby that would not be, and I have momma friends who have outlived one of their babies, but I’ve NEVER known a momma who has lost all her children at one time. Once again, this is a woman whose sandals I didn’t want to strap on, and when I did, I’m amazed at her strength and fortitude.

Job’s wife was put through the ringer, wasn’t she? She was sifted and tested alongside her husband. In everything that happened, her husband did not sin against God, but truth be known, in all those years, there’s only one time when his wife gave into weakness, into temptation. Isn’t it amazing how we remember how a person fails as opposed to all the things she must have endured and the times she must have succeeded. These tests didn’t just happen over a couple of days. The effects of these tests lasted for years. I’ve been around women who mourn and grieve, and you know, on average it takes about four to five years for them to really come out of the dark to the other side to realize that life goes on and that it’s okay to have joy without guilt. Not only that, but God restored. He didn’t restore immediately. Job’s wife didn’t birth ten babies at one time. It was over a span of years that He restored, and He didn’t restore with the exact same children. Job and his wife’s future while in God’s hands changed from one course to another. They probably had their first group of kids when they were young parents. Now they are ten to twenty years older making them a different kind of parent, and not only did their age change, but their wisdom and trust in God had grown exponentially. This has to affect the way they parented. Job’s wife’s life did not end when her babies died. She probably wished it had at times. But as we see it, Job’s wife had several seasons in her life: a season of blessing, a season of loss and grief, and a season of restoration.

The Lord gives and He takes away (Job 1:21). Some people don’t like the book of Job because they can’t fathom a God who would allow one of his children to endure such hardship at the hands of Satan, and all because Satan wanted to prove a point which I might add that he failed to do. I don’t believe for one moment that God used Job as a source of entertainment or as a wager with Satan. God knew that Job could withstand the testing and would put defeat Satan’s theories. You see, we don’t fight against flesh and blood but against principalities (Eph 6:12). God knew that Job with God by his side could handle this test, could endure the hardship. God filtered everything that Job endured. Our spiritual warfare is filtered through God’s fingers. We have to be equipped and wearing the armor of God outlined in Ephesians 6.

Sometimes good things happen to God’s people. Sometimes bad things happen to God’s people. We live in a fallen world. Expect it to happen, but when the bad comes, where is your shield of faith? When thoughts that are against God creep into your mind look for the helmet of salvation because we are to think on the things that are true (Phil 4:8). And when waves after waves of hardship pound on you so you feel like you are going to drown, hold tight to the Word of God which is the sword. Job held tight to his breastplate of righteousness, and you know what? He never got the answer to the question, “why.” Job trusted God, and his wife saw that. She witnessed Job’s trust in God. She benefited from his trust and faith.

Then there are people in our lives who should be there to support or encourage us, but end up doing the exact opposite. They honestly feel like they are helping or know what’s going on. They make judgments and give advice on their limited knowledge and understanding. Job prayed for those friends. By praying for them, Job was heaping ashes on their heads. He was lifting them up to his God. It is a step in forgiving, and it was after that prayer that God started restoration.

Here’s the thing about Job’s wife, she stuck through thick and thin. There’s no indication that the second set of children was born to a different wife. Wife is used singularly throughout this book. She endured some crazy hardships. And while there was a moment she wanted to her husband to give up and die, the point is she was still there with him and even after her moment of weakness and defeat. I’m sure there were days when she herself didn’t want to go on, to get out of the bed, or to put one foot in front of the other, but she did. And she did so to take care of her ailing husband. That, my friend, is a woman of strength…In Job’s wife’s sandals.

In Her Sandals -- Job's Wife

If you haven’t read the prior blog about the woman whose sandals I’m wearing, please do so.

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I’m not sure what day it is, but I remember seeing Job. There was something on his face. I go to him and begin examining him, and these sores have spread all over him. I don’t remember crying, but I remember the tears running down my face. Job had boils, painful, oozing boils. We start trying to treat his boils. They are so painful. I’m not sure where I got the strength to get out of my bed or the courage to face another day, but my husband needed me, so I put one foot in front of the other. I take one breath at a time. I don’t remember the last time I ate. I don’t remember the last time I smiled. I don’t even want to think about laughter.

I’ve struggled with the deaths of all my children at one time. Why couldn’t God just have taken me? Why did I have to live? Why did I have to endure on this earth when my babies are in paradise? These thoughts flood my mind, and I do my best to push them aside, so I can focus on Job.

Job’s not eating and getting weaker. It’s hard for him to breathe, and his skin smells of rotting flesh. We cleanse him as best we can, but every touch is excruciating, and sometimes the odors is so strong I become sick. This has gone on for days now. He’s lost so much weight, and the fever leaves him weak and aching internally. I’m not sure just how much more either of us can take. I can’t bear to see him shivering, aching, and writhing in pain or smell his open wounds, and then it all just hits me. I never see it coming either. I just feel it welling up inside me. I get mad. I get so very, very mad. My kids were good kids. They didn’t deserve to die. My husband is the kindest, honest, God-fearing man I know. He doesn’t deserve this. And why on God’s green earth am I still here! I want to be with my kids. Why am I healthy and left to take care of Job by myself? I’m angry. There’s no rhyme or reason to any of this. I can’t make sense of it. I try and try. I pray. I beg God. I plead with God, but I get nothing. In my frustration and grief I blurt out to Job, “Why don’t you just curse God and die!?” UGGGHHH!!! Have you ever felt if you didn’t say something that you’d just burst. It’s like that. Just curse God and die.

As soon as the words tumble out of my mouth, I knew they were wrong, and so did Job. He said I sounded foolish. People judge me harshly for those words. I was there for Job in the darkest of the dark, but I’m human. I’m scared. I mean what would happen to me if Job died? I’m exhausted from taking care of Job 24/7. I’m depressed and numb. I just don’t know how much more we can take. I didn’t support Job as I needed to at this time, but I had no more to give. I’m empty. Done.

People come to visit. They bring food, and all Job can do is sit quietly in ashes. He won’t eat. He doesn’t speak. He’s in such a dark place, and I go to my room to be alone.

Job has company that just sit with him and wait with him. Eventually, Job does speak, and I am relieved. But then his friends start telling him to repent. Really? Do they not know my husband? My husband who makes atonement and sacrifices for himself and on behalf of our children just in case we sinned and didn’t even know it. He wants my husband to repent. I have to leave. Job will have to handle his friend because if I stay I will probably say things that I shouldn’t – a LOT of things I shouldn’t.

My husband was tested which means we were tested. We are husband and wife. We are a team. We raised our children together. We lived life together. Whatever happened to him, happened to me. That’s just the way life is with us. When God blessed Job, He blessed me as well. When catastrophe hit, it hit us both. We may handle our grief differently. We may be in different places with our emotions and healing, but we are still husband and wife.

My life was a fairytale. There isn’t a day that the name of every child of mine doesn’t cross my mind or my lips. I will never forget them. How can I? I gave birth to them. I weaned them. I nursed them when they were ill. I disciplined them when they were in trouble. My arms have never felt so empty nor silence ever sounded so loudly. We have our good days, and we have our bad days.

Job’s friends finally leavet. I know I need to forgive them and their ignorance and doubt. After all, Job forgave me in my ignorance and doubt. We are coming out of the dark, and although I’m scared sometimes about what will happen next, I know that we can make it. I know now that I was never really in control, and whatever happens will happen, but God is faithful. And Job is faithful. He’s faithful to His God and to me. After all these years, I have reason to believe I’m pregnant for the eleventh time. This baby will never replace the ones I lost, but he or she will fill my arms, warm my heart, and I will smile again.