Thursday, April 19, 2012

Empty Hearts, Empty Arms -- Desperately Seeking Him

When I write, I write from what God is teaching me. I write based on my personal experiences, so some of my blogs are very intimate, very revealing. This is one of those blogs.

Before Patrick and I went through an adoption agency for our first adoption, we were on our way to a private adoption. We had made arrangements for the expectant young woman to meet with our attorney who was in the city where she lived. After the appointment, the attorney told us what he discovered, and what he discovered were inconsistencies in her statement of fact, about the possible father of the baby, and other issues. Trust is a HUGE issue when it comes to adoption, especially open adoption. We weren’t asking for a perfect pedigree because that really doesn’t exist. What we were asking for was honesty, and we didn’t get it. Reluctantly, we withdrew from the adoption with empty hearts and empty arms.

Before our second adoption, we went through the same agency we had used before, and we were matched. We had driven down to meet her and spent the weekend getting to know her. She was confident she wanted us to adopt her baby. We were thrilled. A week after our visit, she went M.I.A. (missing in action). The agency couldn’t reach her. She wouldn’t return our phone calls. I was devastated. Having been through fertility treatments, I had grieved almost every month for the child who was to never be. I grieved more in one year than I have in my whole lifetime put together. It’s excruciating and exhausting and depleting. When we had to submit in writing that the connection with this birth mom was to be severed, I was sobbing…once again I was mourning for a baby that would never be mine. That weekend I didn’t get off the couch…little did I know there was another mom whose heart was breaking because she had just delivered a beautiful baby boy whom she couldn’t keep.

See here’s the thing, I had asked God to remove the desire to be a mom from my heart if He didn’t want me to be a mom, and He didn’t. Each time we went down the adoption road, He was paving the way. One time I was pushing Him to move faster. The other time He was convincing me to move forward. I knew that God was going to make me a mommy…it’s just I had to find her…our birth mom.

I held onto what God had given me…that desire to be a mom. I looked for every opportunity. I was vigilantly searching for His will, His perfect will. I was desperate. Have you ever been desperate in seeking God’s will? Have you?

In Genesis 12, God blesses Abram, and you know Abram had to tell Sarai, his wife. Verse 2 says, “I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you.” Abram was 75 years old. Do you think that Sarai had to be the least bit curious as to HOW God was going to make Abram into a great nation? I wonder...did she start preparing a nursery? Did she start making baby blankets or baby gowns? How else will Abram become a great nation? How many years did she have to wait from the blessing from God till the time a baby was in her arms? How long have you been waiting on God to deliver?

Words are very powerful…they can give hope, or they can destroy dreams. Words can edify and encourage others, or words can tear away at the fabric of a person’s soul. The words Abram heard from God were no ordinary words. They were a blessing, and when God blesses, He delivers. In verse 7, God tells Abram that He is going to give this land to his offspring – yet more words of hope for Sarai.

What God promises, He delivers. Does He do it on our timetable? No. I wish. Does He do it the way we have laid out or think it should be done? Not even close.

What are you seeking God for at this moment? If you aren’t seeking God for something, then you need to check the status of your spiritual life. Are you growing spiritually? OR are you being self-reliant? He can fix that and show just how un-self-reliant you really are. What are you expecting God to do? And what you are expecting from God won’t be the same thing as the person next to you?

Deuteronomy 4:29, “But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul.”

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