I believe in being authentic. I want to be authentic, and for me being authentic means being transparent. How effective of a teacher of the Word of God can I be, if I'm not willing to show how God uses His grace and His mercy in my weaknesses. This means I have to be willing to expose my weaknesses and become vulnerable. It is not for my glory, but His that I lay before you my confession of a meltdown.
It's been at least three weeks since Patrick left, and this past weekend, the kids and I went to see him in W Memphis, Arkansas. We had a great trip up there. Erin had us rolling and had the truck drivers honking. Pearce counted eight in all, and his memory can be relied upon more than my own. I use him frequently to find my keys. He remembers EVERYTHING – that's the GOOD and the BAD. We had a great visit with Patrick and enjoyed some great family time. We drove the 5 ½ hours home without complaint.
My meltdown didn't happen until Monday morning. Looking at the dirty house that I didn't get to clean during the weekend, all the laundry left undone, and nothing laid out or prepared for the week – it just overwhelmed me. The kids couldn't find some of their things for school, and I just lost my ever-lovin' mind.
On the way to school in the mornings, we each take time to pray, and I begin. Well, this morning, God and my children got an earful. God, I am so tired. My house is dirty. I need to take the garbage to the dump. There are field trips and programs and graduation this week, and I am so exhausted. I can't do this anymore. I need help, and a little less attitude from my kids and obedience and respect. Blah, blah, blah, blah. I was a blithering mess. Then it was the kids turn to pray – How do you top that?
Even in my temper tantrum, God was listening. When I was whining and griping about conditions that are temporal, He heard me. He cared. I don't know when it happened, but I know who made it happen, but by the time we got home Monday afternoon, I had energy. We conquered some areas of the house and laundry. Is it completely clean? NO. The point is even when I'm acting like a worn-out, spoiled daughter of the King who is focusing solely on her own feelings and emotions that my Heavenly Father is working it out. He's providing generously. And after I apologized to my kids for my meltdown, I realized one good thing that did come of it is they got to hear their momma praying to her Father about the big things in life and the small things in life, and they were able to see the energy He provided. They know they can take anything to our Creator, the Lover of our Souls.
So, there it is. Meltdown recorded. God's grace once again to cover my sins, and His mercy is abundant to show me how He can provide and work it all out.
School is coming to an end, and there will be less stress in my household. Rest is surely on the horizon.