Okay, so we know that life is always changing, but isn't it nice to have some things that are consistently reliable like cell service, internet connection…you know, just the mundane things in life. I have to confess I've been in a gripey kind of mood lately. I haven't wanted to read my books for seminary for which there are five – thank you very much. I haven't wanted to be at work – almost like, what's the point? I didn't even want to go to church last night – so not like me. Do you ever get that way where griping flows out of your mouth like a fountain instead of words of life? That's where I've been.
I didn't want to go to church last night, but I did, and it was wonderful. God is bringing a movement to the leadership in my church that has been on my heart for a good year and a half. It is so exciting to see it coming to fruition. During the time set aside for praying for these new ministering-outside-the-wall experiences, the Holy Spirit began convicting me. I was expecting to be encouraged, but NO! He was convicting me of my pride, my vanity, my self-centeredness. How can someone like me ever possible do ministry full time? I'm a mess! I confessed my sin and apologized for making things about myself instead of making it about God and His will and His timing. I apologized for my hurt feelings because hurt feelings in this instance meant that I had tried to put myself somewhere where I obviously didn't belong. Then I began praying for the ministry opportunities.
God's ways are higher than our ways. When I was expecting encouragement, He gave me discipline. God's thoughts and plans are much better than my own. While He has called me to ministry and to seminary, He has yet to show me where and when He's going to open that position up for me…Do you hear my foot tapping? Yeah, like that impresses God or gets Him to move more quickly – NOT! The bottom line is that I have to trust that He will open the doors to where He wants me to serve when He's good and ready. I have to continue on even when I don't feel like it. I have to commit to the course set before me and do all as unto the Lord – I have to admit, I haven't been doing that lately either using plenty of excuses to try to cover my deficiencies. And here's another thing, while it may feel like my life is in limbo – career being moved to another location, husband working out of town for an extended period of time, unsure of where God is going to put me to serve, etc., etc – my life is not and has never been in limbo. He holds my future in His hands. He ordains my footsteps. He has already made a way, and I just have to obey and wait (gross).
Fortunately, He knows me well enough to know that I will fail, that I will need discipline and direction. He knows I will require redemption and forgiveness on more than one occasion. But thankfully, when He sees me, He sees His precious daughter. And when He looks at my imperfection, He only sees a trail of blood, Christ's blood, covering all my iniquities and short comings and bad attitudes.
I love the words to a song, "My chains are gone. I've been set free. My God, my Savior has ransomed me, and like a flood, His mercy rains. Unending love. Amazing Grace." So, I will continue to shirk off this funk, these feelings and negativity until I have realized the freedom there is in waiting on Him, and I will continue to put one foot in front of the other towards the goal He has set before me. AND, I will trust Him because I know above all else that my life is in His hands.