Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Swim Suit Shopping, OB Visit, and Teeth Pulling -- A Three-Way Tie

I don’t know of any woman who eagerly looks forward to going to her OB for her annual exam OR for her mammogram, but it is a necessary evil. And I do mean NECESSARY. If you don’t go every year and don’t get a mammogram, then shame on you. If you don’t take care of yourself, no one else can. It ain’t fun, but it can save your life so you can be the momma you are supposed to be to the people who need you the most. Get off your behind and call your OB NOW! Ok, I will come of my soap box.

I rank going to the OB and having to buy a swimsuit right up there with teeth pulling. It AIN’T PLEASANT, and IT AIN’T PRETTY! I was going to go with my girlfriend shopping but when that fell through, I invited my mom to go along. I’m used to her laughing at me…although she promised she wouldn’t. My issues with one-piece swimsuits are as follows:

1. I’m long-waisted (If it fits at the bottom, then it comes up under my boobs…not exactly the type of support I’m looking for – my apologies to the guys who read my blog)

2. If I get a one piece that fits the girls, then the bottoms are so large that fish could swim in and out

3. If I get one that fits the bottom, the girls runneth over

So, really I have no real choice but to buy a two piece.

So, I go to a tankini. The top fits, and I find a matching bottom, but I really don’t like the way the top of my legs look. And I most certainly don’t like my legs touching together. So, I found a cute swim short by Nautica and found a cute top to go with it that doesn’t dip down at all. Some of you might think a little dip isn’t that bad, but if I’m wearing a swimsuit and the boy is around, I really don’t know what will cross his mind, and I have to be prepared.

So, I found a cute red and white polka-dot one piece, and tried it on for grins…yeah, it didn’t work. Then I stumbled onto swim shorts! But trying to find my size was like looking for a needle in a haystack. I was on my knees praying out to God, “Please let them have my size.” If you live in Shreveport and you hid your swim shorts in Dillard’s swimming section and you can’t find them – I did. Love these. They are athletic looking and cute – check. Tried a few on until I found one that fit. Now I needed to find a top. Mom stayed in the dressing room while I walked around the swimsuit section wearing my newly discovered swim shorts. During my ever-so-focused shopping for a top, I heard the saleswoman ask another dejected, downtrodden woman, “Did you find anything you like?” The woman chuckled, “This is my 16th one to try on. I think I’m just going to have to go with it. I think I need a drink. Is it too early to get a drink?” God love her and bless her heart – if you’re Southern, you know what those mean.

I think they should put special mirrors in women’s dressing rooms where women will be trying on swimsuits. Each room should have special “filtered” mirrors, and the doors could be labeled so you would know which one to enter. “If you are big bottomed, enter here.” You enter, get dressed, and the mirror minimizes and helps shape your asset…let’s just say. “If you are pigment challenged, enter here.” You enter, get dressed, and the mirror gives your skin a healthy tint of color. “If you have a pudge, enter here.” You enter, get dressed and the mirror smoothes that pudge right on out like you had been pressed by an iron. Instead, I hurriedly tried on the different possibilities and quickly selected what I feel to be the least offensive. If you happen to have to see me in my swimsuit, you must have a lot of sin in your life and this is your punishment. Repent! Repent! You know, if they used filtering mirror, women would leave those dressing rooms feeling good about themselves and wouldn’t mind spending that ungodly amount for a swimsuit that they will only wear a couple of times during two months of the year.

AND THAT BRINGS ME TO ANOTHER THING -- the cost of getting a new swimsuit. OH MY WORD! For something I can use for one season of the year, the cost is outrageous! I could easily eat my comfort food every day for 1 ½ months and get more pleasure, and it wouldn’t cost as much. I don’t guess I realized how rare Spandex and Lycra are. Personally, I think it’s just wrong…just wrong.

Unlike some of my young’uns who might post a picture of themselves on Facebook or their blog of them in a bathing suit, I choose to save you the cost of counseling. Use your money more wisely…go buy some scoops from Baskin Robbins and think of me.

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