Monday, August 3, 2009
Needs Laughter and Found It in Duct Tape
Many have heard of Jeff Foxworthy's "You Might Be a Redneck," but within the past few months my life has been one redneck story duct taped to another.
One Saturday morning I took a stab at being an exceptionally kind wife. I was going to let my husband sleep in, so I loaded up my two children and a little girlfriend of my daughter's and took them to Southern Maid Donuts -- YUMMY! I got them in the car, made sure everyone was buckled up, turned my rear-view mirror down, so I could see their happy, little faces and so I could referee any upcoming arguments. With everyone in place, I put my car in reverse and began backing up.
Now let me preface this by saying, my husband rarely if ever parks behind me. Did I see his vehicle parked behind me as I exited the house? Of course I did, but did I mention I had three little people with me? The night before Patrick parked about eight to ten feet behind me which means I had so momentum when I plowed into the front of my husband's Tahoe. To say we were stunned by the impact would be a mild understatement. I pulled forward and got out to inspect the damage. Now my momma always says, "If you are going to do something, do it to the best of your ability." I did not let her down. My trunk was so crinkled it made me cringe. I lost a taillight and the back quarter panel was pushed forward but not into the tire. Then I looked at Patrick's chrome bumper -- NOT A SCRATCH!
I decided to go ahead and take the kids to Southern Maid because truthfully I need to craft how my conversation with my husband would go in my head. The kids enjoyed their sugar-high treat, and when we returned home, Pearce said, "I'm going to go see daddy." Translated, "I can't wait to tell daddy about what you did to the car!" I told him that I would speak with daddy first. I grabbed the bear claw donut and cup of coffee I had purchased to wake my husband in a good mood and headed in to face the firing squad.
It's strange, the conversation I crafted in my head went nothing what actually transpired. Proverbs 21:14 says, "A gift given in secret soothes anger, and a bribe concealed in the cloak pacifies great wrath," so as I claimed this verse I handed Patrick his coffee and donut. He was quite pleased to be awakened at 9:15 AM in such a generous way. Then I told him I had bad news. I told him I had backed into his truck and had done a good number on my trunk. For a brief moment there was excitement in his eyes. "Did you total the truck?" "No," I answered. The look of hope faded. As I told him my story making sure I kicked myself for my carelessness, he listened. When I finished, he said, "That's not all that bad. I just wished you would have totaled my truck. This is why we have insurance."
Patrick enjoyed his donut and coffee and got dressed. As he and Pearce went outside to inspect the damage I heard Pearce tell his daddy, "It was awesome!"
You must be wondering by now about the duct tape. Hang with me; it's coming.
My husband was taking the kids to a birthday party with a water slide and wanted to take a chair to sit in. Yes, the chairs were in the trunk of my car where I also kept an ice chest. Doesn't every mom who has kids in sports have chairs and ice chest among other things in their trunk? He told me he was going to go and get them out. I told him not to because the trunk wouldn't close again, and he said sure it would, and opened it against my wish.
Did it close? NOOOOOO! He was running late, so he told me he would take care of it. You see, I was headed to the hospital to visit a dear, elderly lady. I had gotten dressed in a linen, summer dress, cute matching shoes, pearl necklace and had a sweater to take because hospitals can get quite cool. Patrick had left with the kids when I walked out to find he had DUCT TAPE the trunk of my car shut. There was an asterisk on either side of my trunk connecting it to the quarter panel and two strips connecting the rear of the deck lid to the bumper. IT WAS NO ORDINARY DUCT TAPE. IT WAS CAMO DUCT TAPE!!!!!! Like many of you, I had no clue they made camo duct tape, but it makes perfect sense since duct tape is the tool of choice for many rednecks (I know this from experience...a lot of experience). I had just never seen it in camouflage.
So, I began my trek to the hospital, and as I was driving on the four-laned road to the hospital something caught my eye in the rear-view mirror that was now in it's proper position. The duct tape had released and every time I hit a bump (which on Louisiana roads are frequent) the trunk would bob up duct tape in tact. At the next red light, I got out in my cute, summer, linen dress, pearls, cute matching shoes and ran to the back of my car to lower the trunk and press down the duct tape. The light turned green and I proceeded realizing the trunk was free to bob on every bump, so at the next light I got out in my cute, summer, linen dress, pearls, cute matching shoes and ran to the rear of my car to press down the camouflage duct tape. THERE ARE 18 LIGHTS BETWEEN MY HOUSE AND THE HOSPITAL. I know this because I counted. After about the fifth light, I was sweaty and not appreciating the humor of the situation at all, so I just decided to let the trunk bob and if stuff fell out, it fell out. I was determined to go visit my 96 year-old friend in the hospital.
While I visited my friend, I regaled my story of my drive in knowing she would appreciate the humor in it. As I sat there, I thought, "I bet that tape has released again exposing the contents of my trunk. I bet someone steals my stuff." Then I thought, "If someone steals the stuff out of my trunk, they are having a worse time than I am, and they can have it."
That night I posted my mishap and pursuing comedy on Facebook because I figured there were other people in the world who could use a laugh, and in my family, if you can't laugh at yourself, you better learn.
On Sunday morning at our pancake breakfast, a support staff at our church came up to me and told me she laughed so hard that her husband wanted to know what she was laughing at. She said he laughed too. Then she turned and called her husband from across the cafeteria, "Hey, Honey, this is the girl that has the camo duct tape on her car."
Proverbs 17:22 says, "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." Sometimes it's a choice to have a cheerful heart. There are times when it is easy to find something to laugh at, and other times it is more difficult. May you find joy today in your life. May you find something to be thankful for. May you find something to smile about. May you find something to be thankful for.
My car is repaired now, but the story has given quite a few a good chuckle, and I hope you have enjoyed it too.